


Lies

by EthelPhantom



Category: Code Geass
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Canon Compliant, Confessions, Feelings, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Tragedy, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-05 11:28:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18827779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: Five times Suzaku told a lie, and one time Lelouch saw right through Suzaku’s last lie.





	1. The First Lie

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to try this a long ago and then I completed it about a month ago. Then I promptly forgot about its existence. Now I decided I should probably post it soo...
> 
> Fun fact, I started originally writing this bc I tried to avoid writing Never Too Far From You.
> 
> Have fun with the angst.

**Ⅰ**

Suzaku had worried about it all evening, not knowing how to tell Lelouch. He didn’t want to hurt his friend, but he thought this was the best way to protect both Lelouch and Nunnally from getting discovered.

“Come visit again. Nunnally would like that”, Lelouch said. The small smile playing on his lips warmed Suzaku’s heart. He was sure Lelouch meant what he said, but it was like he was still trying to not talk about his own feelings, saying Nunnally would like it if Suzaku visited again, not him. Lelouch hadn’t changed one bit, now had he? Well, mostly anyway.

“Sure, but…”

“Hmh?”

And then he said it. He felt something in his throat, like a lump or something similar.

“Lelouch, we shouldn’t be seen together at school.”

“Why?”, Lelouch asks, sounding shocked. He probably was, judging by the look in his eyes. The raven-haired boy really hadn’t expected that, it seemed. His purple eyes had widened and there was a hint of worry in them, too.

“How would you explain it?”, Suzaku answered, looking straight at his friend’s eyes. Lelouch opened his mouth to object, but Suzaku went on, preventing Lelouch from talking. “Being friends with an honorary Britannian… If we aren’t careful, your secret will get out. About being royalty.”

Lelouch backed away, still utterly shocked. Suzaku was sure he heard hurt in the sound Lelouch had made, but ignored it. It was for his own best, surely the Britannian would have to admit and realise that.

“The same goes for Nunnally, right? I don’t want to cause you two any trouble...”, he muttered and felt an aching in his chest. Suzaku had dreamed of this day, of the day he could finally meet the royal siblings — his friends — again, only to tell them they would have to pretend not to know him.

“Putting others before yourself again, huh?”, his friend snapped, a glint of anger and frustration reflecting in them. Lelouch’s tone was annoyed, even more so than the demeanour in his eyes. It was like this had happened before, like they had had this conversation before, but they hadn’t, right?

“Again?”, Suzaku asked with a puzzled tone and lifted his chin back up. He raised his eyebrows in confusion. Lelouch’s reaction clarified there was something behind it, because his eyes widened again and he made a choked sound, like he had said something he shouldn’t have.

“Nothing…”, Lelouch murmured and looked away, closing his eyes. His furrowed eyebrows told of the worry Lelouch held although Suzaku wasn’t certain to what it was directed at. Probably him.

Suzaku’s own expression was worried until he forced himself to smile and look at Lelouch’s eyes. He hoped that the agony he felt wasn’t audible in his voice as he talked to Lelouch again.

“Thanks for everything today. It was fun. Well, I’ll see you later”, he said, already turning away. He didn’t want Lelouch to see the tears that were prickling in his eyes. He couldn’t show Lelouch he didn’t want this at all, because knowing Lelouch, the Britannian would most definitely not pretend anything then. He was still smiling so he wouldn’t have to explain anyone anything later on either.

“Right”, he heard Lelouch mumble. Another reason he couldn’t let Lelouch know he was hurting too, it would pain and worry the other even more, and Suzaku really couldn’t allow that to happen.

“I’m really glad.”

“Hm?”

“I never thought we’d get another chance to talk like this”, Suzaku explained, walking down the stairs. His shoulders fell, and he looked down. Lelouch said nothing as he walked away, but maybe that was for the best. He wouldn’t have to deal with that too.

He wouldn't even know how to handle that too.

It wasn’t the first time Suzaku had lied to Lelouch, probably, but it was the first lie he told that hurt both. He told Lelouch it was okay that they would pretend to not know the other, when in reality, he felt like he was burning inside. It hurt, a lot, but it was for the best.

All he wanted to do was to protect his best and only friend.


	2. The Second Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess I'm posting the second now. Oh well. Enjoy one of the angstiest chapters (it's also the longest). Have fun.

**Ⅱ**

A gunshot.

That’s how Suzaku tells Zero about his entrance. He steps out of the shadows, holding a gun in his hand, still aiming at the masked man that killed his beloved princess, Euphie. He knew that the sweet princess wouldn’t want this, but she wasn’t here, that Zero had made sure of. Only his own anger was left, which his vindictive mind couldn’t control — no one could.

“Turn and face me. Slowly”, he said, voice surprisingly steady and calm. When the man didn’t do anything, Suzaku spoke again. “Didn’t you hear me, Zero? Turn and face me, slowly.” His voice was surprisingly quiet for someone who had just seen a dear one die in front of his eyes and was now looking at the one that had killed her.

Zero turned around to look at him and began defending himself right away. Just as he had expected Zero to. The masked man didn’t do much besides going against Britannia and telling everyone that what he did was the right thing to do — even if it was evil.

“Euphemia arbitrarily murdered innocent Japanese people”, he announced, as if he didn’t have anything to do with the chaos going on in the Tokyo settlement. “You’d fight for a woman like—”

“That geass power of yours is very convenient, isn’t it?”, Suzaku asked, interrupting the man in front of him.  He was not going to listen Zero talk about his princess like this any longer. He walked a little closer as he saw Zero flinch. “You get to hide in the shadows while others take all the blame. An arrogant coward. That’s your true nature.”

He had walked much closer to Zero by then, so now he stood just a few metres away from him. Suzaku had still his gun pointed at him, and he knew that if he shot now, he could kill Zero. There was no way he could avoid the bullets if Suzaku was this close.

Then he remembered Kallen had followed them here, so he decided to address her. “Kallen.”

Suzaku could hear the girl gasp loudly behind him. She hadn’t probably realised that Suzaku knew she was there.

“Don’t you want to know Zero’s true identity, too?”

“What are you saying now?”

She sounded angry, and it was likely Kallen had her gun pointed at him — he just hadn’t turned to confirm it. That didn’t matter. He had her leader, and besides, Suzaku wanted to die as long as it happened only after Zero was punished — which meant that Euphie would be avenged. She deserved at least that much.

“You also have a right to bear witness”, Suzaku answered and then raised his gun to shoot Zero. He could hear Kallen yell “Wait!” behind him but he didn’t care. It wasn’t like he was killing the masked man, at least yet. He had aimed at his mask, after all.

He had his suspicions about whom the person under the ridiculous and preposterous suit could be, but he wished he was wrong. And just before the mask broke into two pieces, Suzaku prayed to the gods that Lelouch was indeed back at the Ashford Academy with all their friends, safe. Not here. Lelouch would never hurt his sisters or kill his brother, right?

And like always, no one ever heard his wishes, no gods ever listened to his prayers, because he saw silky black hair that had been hidden under the mask and a second later he could definitely see that his worst enemy was also his best friend. Suzaku’s eyes widened and they were filled with sadness and shock. No one had shot Suzaku, although he was sure that it would have been better. Getting shot would have hurt less than seeing Lelouch in front of him right now. Suzaku hoped that he would wake up any second to see that it was merely a dream, but no. Surely this was a nightmare, but it had become reality. And then, then the sorrow started being replaced with anger. If it had been anyone else going around as Zero, he could have come to terms with it.

But not when it was Lelouch. Not when it was the one he cared about and even loved. He had had such high expectations for Lelouch that when he didn’t meet them, it really, truly disappointed and hurt him. Horrified, hurt and sad could never accurately describe how he was feeling right now, they were understatements. No words in general would ever be good enough to explain his current state of mind. Even saying he felt betrayed felt like downplaying it. Lelouch could have literally stabbed him in the back, and Suzaku would have felt better about everything.

The pieces of the mask that fell hit the ground, and the sound that it created was the only thing anyone could hear. It echoed in the otherwise perfect silence of the cave they were in.

Suzaku watched how Lelouch’s forehead began bleeding at the place where the bullet had made an impact with the mask, but his expression didn’t betray any emotion other than coldness. Was that even an emotion?

“How…? Why?!” Kallen was the first one of them to break the silence, her voice so shocked and terrified it almost mirrored Suzaku’s feelings.

Suzaku sighed and swallowed down a lump in his throat. He lowered his gun, looking downwards, so disappointed in both himself and Lelouch. How in the world had he let this happen?

He shook his head before turning his gaze back at Lelouch. “I didn’t want to believe it.”

“L-Lelouch is…!” Kallen’s voice was broken, and she sounded as though she was utterly horrified. She probably was. Suzaku was, too, but he couldn’t let his best friend — no, rather worst enemy and a cold-blooded murderer — see it.

“Yes, I’m Zero.”

Lelouch himself though… He didn’t sound broken, not angry, not anything. He spoke calmly, and Suzaku could find no trace of emotion in Lelouch’s tone. But his face… Oh, he had a smile on his face, he dared to look smug. It pissed Suzaku off. Lelouch just kept talking.

“The man who leads the Black Knights, who challenges the Holy Britannian Empire, and who holds the entire world in his hand.”

“You used us Japanese… You used me…”

“Japan will be freed as a result. You’ve nothing to complain about, surely.”

Suzaku couldn’t believe his ears. How could his best friend be talking like this? How could Lelouch be Zero? And worst of all, how could Suzaku himself still find himself loving Lelouch? No, he hated him, he surely hated him. And he had seen the signs, had seen how Lelouch was like in Shirley’s father’s funeral, and how he was always saying he wanted Suzaku out of the army, and how Milly and Rivalz often mentioned Lelouch was missing school — just when Zero was doing something. That probably explained why Suzaku was never killed during his missions, the Black Knights only ever tried to capture him. Suzaku, for some reason, didn’t think Lelouch would order him killed.

“I should have arrested you sooner.”

“You realised it was me?”

He didn’t even have to look at Lelouch to know he had arched his eyebrow. It seemed to Suzaku that Lelouch had underestimated him, as though there was no way he could ever figure it out.

If that was the case, Lelouch would be partly right nonetheless. Suzaku had seen the signs but he had assured himself time after time that there was no way Lelouch was Zero. He wanted to believe in his best friend. He had refused to believe Lelouch could have done any of the things Zero did. 

Suzaku opened his eyes again and turned his gaze to right. He didn’t even know when he had closed them. He knew he was avoiding Lelouch and his eyes, his sinful, evil, betraying, manipulating eyes, and it was for a reason. He was still trying to tell himself that if he didn’t see Lelouch, he could wake up from a nightmare and realise that none of this was real. He didn't want to see the eyes of someone he loved in the place of his worst enemy.

If only it was merely a nightmare he could wake up from.

“I wasn’t sure, so I kept denying it to myself. I wanted to believe in you.” And that’s when he finally admitted to himself that time couldn’t be turned back and this was all real, too real. Lelouch was Zero and he could do nothing about it but either kill Lelouch or turn Zero in to his father. Both were things he didn’t want to do, but knew he had to, and honestly, Lelouch would deserve whatever he did to him now.

“But you were lying to us. To me, to Euphie… Even to Nunnally!”

“Yes, and now Nunnally’s been kidnapped!”

Lelouch’s voice was no longer calm and collected. It was growing panicked. Of course, Nunnally was always Lelouch's reason to live, the one thing Suzaku knew Lelouch could never lose or all hell would break loose. “Suzaku, can’t we have a temporary truce? I want your help to save Nunnally! There’s nothing you and I can’t accomplish!”

“Don’t be a fool!”

Yeah, the once calm and collected, the smug smile on Lelouch’s face was no longer there either, it was twisted with pain. And, he looked surprised, shocked even, to hear Suzaku refusing to help him. It must have been a new thing to him, that someone refused to do what he wanted.

Had he really thought he could first kill Euphie and then still expect Suzaku to do his bidding? Oh no, that he wasn’t going to get. Suzaku was not going to betray his princess again for a man such as this, he wasn’t going to help his princess’ murderer. Not now, not ever. Suzaku lifted his gun up again and aimed. At Lelouch.

(A distant voice echoed in his mind, saying that Euphie would forgive Lelouch, that she would not approve of what Suzaku was going to do. That Euphie would say it was fine as long as they kept striving for peace and love.)

He wasn’t going to shoot yet, but if it came to that, he wasn’t going to hesitate for even a second, and he wouldn’t regret it, nor feel guilt or shame over what he had done to him. But, for now…

“You should have joined with Euphie first! If you and Euphie had joined forces, the world could have been…”

“That’s all in the past! It’s done!”

Suzaku’s eyes widened at Lelouch’s words. He couldn’t believe a thing he was hearing from his mouth, not a thing. This man who kept swearing he was going to obliterate Britannia for abandoning him and Nunnally in the midst of a war Britannia started, who made a promise after promise that he was going to get his father from the throne to avenge the death of his mother, who never stopped blaming the emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire for the loss of Nunnally’s sight and ability to walk for the past seven years, who was the literal definition of a person with one too many grudges, it was this man who was not able to let go of the past that was telling _Suzaku_ to let go and not hold a grudge for something that happened the very same day? How _dare_ he?!

“The past?”

And then Lelouch made a low blow, which he should have seen coming. If he had kept lying to everyone, it shouldn’t have been a surprise he would use something Suzaku was not over yet against him. After all, this was Zero, and Zero didn't think twice before betraying his friends, didn’t think twice before shooting his own family.

“You killed your own father, didn’t you? You can find time for regrets later!”

Suzaku gritted his teeth. He had hoped Lelouch would regret his doings, would see the wrongs he had done and apologise, and that he would swear he’d quit being Zero or something, but no. Lelouch deserved no mercy, no forgiveness, nothing.

“No, you’re hopeless!”

“What?”

“In the very end, you’d betray the entire world, like it’s betrayed you!” Even Suzaku saw what was wrong with his words, his mistake of admitting the world had betrayed Lelouch, but there was no turning back now. He was going to see this through to the end, no matter where it took them, where it took him. He had stepped on the path that probably led to hell, but it didn’t matter. If he was going to hell, so was Lelouch.

Yes, maybe that could work, maybe they could both die and see each other there, where they’d no longer hold grudges against each other and could be together. That would protect Lelouch from himself.

His hands were shaking and trembling as he kept his gun aimed at Lelouch. He wondered if Lelouch felt scared of him, if he was worried Suzaku was going to shoot him, like he did to Euphie.

“I can’t let your dream be realised!”

And then he could finally sense anger in Lelouch’s voice. As he had expected, Lelouch wouldn’t be able to control his emotions when it came to things such as this. (Suzaku hoped a part of the reason was that Lelouch still felt some kind of feelings of friendship towards him, but didn’t let himself entertain that thought any longer.)

“You fool!”, Lelouch yelled, his tone turning more furious at every passing second. “You think ideals alone can change the world? Then, go on! Shoot me if you’re going to!”

Lelouch flung out his arm to the side, his cape flowing aside with it. His chest, though covered by Zero’s suit, was now open for Suzaku to shoot as Lelouch had told him to, but before he could see (and thankfully, shoot Lelouch) what Lelouch was doing, he had already placed a small machine-looking thing on his chest.

“And shoot this liquid Sakuradite, too!”

_Sakuradite. Shit._ He should have recognised it right away, but he didn’t. Lelouch had gone crazier than Suzaku had expected. He had actually gotten his hands on liquid sakuradite (of course he had, he was Zero, after all) and then thought it would be a good idea to carry it around in the midst of a battle.

Kallen’s shocked gasp echoed behind them as Lelouch continued speaking.

“If my heart stops, it’ll explode! You both will die with me!”

This was his plan? To die? Or was it because he had lost Nunnally that he was like this? Suzaku knew Nunnally was practically Lelouch’s only reason to live, so losing her must have been a slap to the face — or rather a bullet to the chest, as he seemed to want to happen.

Hatred and sorrow burned in Suzaku’s chest, not knowing what to do. He didn’t want to kill Lelouch, but that seemed more probable by every passing second. And, if he did, Kallen and Suzaku would die as well. While Suzaku couldn’t have cared more about dying, he knew Kallen had a family to return to and to take care of. He couldn’t let her die because of his best friend’s insanity.

He truly should have seen this insanity bubbling just under Lelouch’s surface long before this.

“Damn you…”, he said, murmuring just loud enough for both Kallen and Lelouch to hear in the resounding cave. Now he couldn’t shoot Lelouch and end this all, both of their misery included.

The worst thing was that a part of Suzaku wanted to do just that, to die together with Lelouch right there and then. If there was an afterlife, they could go there together and spend the rest of the eternity there, and hopefully find Euphemia there as well.

“I’ll make a deal with you. Who told you about Geass? Did they take Nunnally?”

Suzaku wouldn’t let Lelouch talk any longer. This was all about Nunnally. Of course, everything was all about Nunnally. Lelouch didn’t give even a second thought to another sister of his that was dead now, because of him. He wouldn’t even apologise for it, even though they were both aware being sorry wouldn’t bring dead back to life.

And so…

“ _Nothing_ that happens now is _any_ of your business!”

As Suzaku kept screaming at Lelouch’s face, he could see him break inside. No, shatter was a better word.

“Your very existence is a _mistake_!”

He could almost see fragments of Lelouch breaking and shattering, then falling down into the oblivion. His eyes were filled with rage, and sorrow, and feelings of betrayal. Suzaku could recognise them easily, having seen them all in his own eyes as well. Knowing those were all visible for all the world in his own eyes right that moment.

“You have to be _removed_ from the world!”

Yes, he hated him. Suzaku definitely hated him. He would hate him until the eternity itself ended. The sorrow and hurt on Lelouch’s face didn’t move him in the slightest, he didn’t care. It most definitely didn’t hurt him to tell Lelouch he deserved not to exist, and yet he kept yelling.

“ _I’ll_ take care of Nunnally!”

That was the final blow. Lelouch had devoted his life to taking care of Nunnally because his own family couldn’t — they had done a terrible job at that. And now Suzaku was telling Lelouch even he wasn’t worth doing it.

Lelouch finally snapped and took his own gun, aiming it at Suzaku. His hand didn’t even shake, didn’t tremble. Suzaku only distantly wondered how many people Lelouch had shot to death for him not to waver while yielding a gun.

“ _SUZAKU!!_ ”

“ _LELOUCH!!_ ”

A gunshot rang in the cave.


	3. The Third Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this might be my favourite of the chapters because I think I made it actually very emotional and yeah, I'm proud. Enjoy more angst. 
> 
> Also I accidentally wrote it in present tense and then decided it sounds much better this way than if I tried to change it all. Oh well.

**Ⅲ**

“Water… Won’t you give me water…?”

The broken voice of Julius — no, right now it’s Lelouch, for the emperor’s geass is faltering again — reaches Suzaku as Lelouch is on the floor, on his knees. He is grasping his head with one hand as his other is reached out towards Suzaku.

Reluctantly Suzaku walks to get the water jar and pours a glass of water for him. He then places the glass in Lelouch’s hands, who takes it eagerly and smiles. His smile resembles that of a child who’s been given a treat they’ve wanted and asked for many times. 

The smile is too happy to be on Lelouch’s face. He shouldn’t be allowed to smile like that. If Suzaku can’t be happy and smile, then neither can Lelouch.

(It's not really that Suzaku believes Lelouch is even happy, he knows better, but he wants and especially needs as many reasons to hate Lelouch as possible. After all, he was once his best friend, and the guilt Suzaku sometimes feels seems to think what Lelouch did isn't enough for Suzaku to hate him.)

Suzaku hates Julius, he really does. Julius is a brat, a cocky, arrogant, self-centered, cunning, treacherous brat. He doesn’t care what his words do to other people at all, and Suzaku could write novels about how little Julius thinks of how his actions affect anyone else. He doesn’t, of course, but that doesn’t make Suzaku think about it any less.

He also hates Lelouch. After all, he’s the reason they are here, he’s the reason Suzaku’s princess is dead ( _ As though Lelouch isn’t your prince, too, and if you hadn’t brought him to the emperor as Zero, maybe you could be his knight, instead, _ his mind reminds him, and he pushes that thought far back. He can’t think of that because Lelouch betrayed him and he hates him, there’s no reason to think of how things could have once been). Lelouch deserves none of Suzaku’s pity or regret.

...Not that Lelouch would want them either. He would yell at Suzaku and order him to stop giving him his pity, he would tell him he needed none of the regret Suzaku definitely didn’t feel. Lelouch has always hated being pitied.

But, as much as he hates Lelouch, he also knows he hates seeing Lelouch like this, broken and brainwashed.  _ Defeated _ . Not that he ever wants to or is even willing to admit it to himself. No. Lelouch deserves all of this, he’s sure of that. That’s what he keeps telling himself, trying to convince himself of it. Maybe if he says it enough many times it becomes true. Maybe if he himself believes it, everything he has done to Lelouch will be justified. 

And so Suzaku just stands there, watching as days pass by and Lelouch breaks more and more every day. Those fragments of him into which Suzaku saw Lelouch fall a few months ago are gone, but they aren’t the only ones. Every day a part of Lelouch vanishes, as though into thin air. He wants to rush to him, pick up all the broken pieces and rebuild Lelouch, hoping they could go back to the days that went past them, when they laughed and smiled, those happy ones. Those when everything was still fine, when everyone was still alive. When neither Suzaku or Lelouch had yet killed anyone.

But, he knows it well enough for it to bring the tears he every time bats away back to the corners of his eyes, those days are lost within all Lelouch’s (their) lies, never to come back again. The only thing left now is the mere broken and empty shell of Lelouch, and the mind that has been forced into thinking he’s someone else. Into thinking he’s Julius Kingsley.

Maybe that is precisely why he hates Julius — Julius has taken the place of the one Suzaku once called his best friend. He hates that Julius isn’t even strong enough to keep Lelouch under the surface, because Lelouch keeps fighting to get out, to get back to being the one in control, and he is succeeding. The walls the emperor has created are faltering more and more nowadays and they aren’t strong enough to contain Lelouch inside anymore, his geass not strong enough to keep Lelouch in control. Maybe they never were. Lelouch was always mentally strong, even if not stable. 

But no, Suzaku feels absolutely nothing but hatred and fury towards Lelouch. The feelings of friendship and love are long gone, and he doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. It’s better that Lelouch is gone eternally, since the Lelouch he once knew is gone as well. That way he can hate Lelouch until the day he’ll breathe his last breath (although he isn’t sure whether he means Lelouch or himself), that way he won’t feel guilty about it.

He just needs to forget the fond way Euphemia spoke of Lelouch, the tone echoing with longing as Nunnally mentions her dearest big brother. He just needs to forget the happy memories he himself has experienced with Lelouch, and the softness in Lelouch’s eyes every time he looked at Suzaku and Nunnally back when they were still friends.

He just needs to avoid the broken gaze in those purple eyes every time Lelouch wins the fight between him and Julius.

He just needs to forget what could have once been.

He just _needs to forget_.

Then, then he can surely surrender to hate alone.


	4. The Fourth Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised halfway editing that I had changed to present tense but right now I can't care less because it's so late so let's just agree that you'll manage.
> 
> Have fun with more angst. This time, Suzaku lies to Nunnally instead of Lelouch or himself.

**Ⅳ**

“Umm.. Suzaku?”

Nunnally looked up from her radio she held in her hands like it was a lifeline (it probably was, Suzaku suspected she was hoping to hear any positive news from Area 11 about any of her old friends (and brother)) at Suzaku who was doing paperwork next to her.

“What is it, Nunnally?”, Suzaku asked and put his pen down. The girl looked like she was thinking about what to say — or rather how to say whatever she wanted to. Suzaku wondered what in the world could be troubling her this much. He did have his suspicions, though.

“Do you know where big brother is?”, she finally asked. Her eyes were hopeful, and Suzaku could almost swear he saw a glint of happiness in her eyes. It seemed like she thought he knew and would tell her. Nunnally definitely trusted him too much.

Suzaku had been dreading answering this question since he came back to Britannia. He had been gone for some time with Lelouch as Julius Kingsley, which ended just as well for them as one could think. Suzaku had almost choked Lelouch to death when they were rotting in prison. That damned Shin had figured out who ‘Julius’ was in reality and then locked both of them up, claiming they had committed treason. He had even tried to start a revolution against the entirety of Britannia.

After the two of them got back, Suzaku had again dragged Lelouch to see the emperor and be geassed, although this time only the memories of him being Zero, Nunnally, Marianne, and geass were taken away. He could be Lelouch Lamperouge now, with a new life and younger sibling. He didn’t remember Nunnally. Hopefully, he never would.

“No, I don’t.”

That was a lie.

(Oh, how he did the very same thing as he had blamed and accused Lelouch of, for now he too was lying to those he cared about. Suzaku had lied to Nunnally who, aside from Lelouch’s betrayal, and the constant, possibly eternal emptiness within him, was the only real thing in his life anymore. Yes, a hypocrite, that’s what he was. He knew it perfectly well without needing anyone, even his own mind, reminding him of it.)

He knew perfectly well where Lelouch was — at the Ashford Academy as he should. Or, well, he lived there, it was another thing if he was there physically right this moment. Brainwashed, all his memories of geass, being Zero, the death of his mother and the very existence of Nunnally taken away from him. Suzaku hated having done that to Lelouch, but then again, he had killed Euphie. It didn’t matter to him. After all, Lelouch was free of his painful memories and could live on without his past bringing him down, while Suzaku had to remember watching his loved ones being taken from him again, and again, and again.

It really didn’t matter, Lelouch didn’t matter. He hated him from the bottom of his heart.

Nunnally’s shoulders dropped in disappointment. Suzaku’s heart clenched in pain but he just buried those feelings even deeper within himself and didn’t let them take over. As much as he cared about Nunnally, he wouldn’t tell her where Lelouch was, and he’d rather lie to her than tell her the truth. Maybe she could be saved from some of the pain.

(If he was aware not telling Nunnally and keeping her in the dark would hurt her even more once she found out, he was doing a very good job hiding it from even himself.)

Yes, indeed, Suzaku had reached the same levels of hypocrisy as Lelouch. 

And so, even though she knows she won’t be told, and even if she’s aware she’s being lied to, Nunnally keeps asking where her dearest big brother is, the one that always wanted her best and loved her, and even though she’s fairly sure Suzaku knows that she’s aware she’s being lied to, he keeps denying everything and pretending he has no idea where Lelouch, his worst enemy (best friend, first love) is.

Yes, Suzaku knows she's aware she's being lied to, yet he never stops. Suzaku is sure Nunnally can hear it in his voice, can sense it from his touch, can notice the discomfort and guilt Suzaku feels around her for lying, but none of it stops him. 

He keeps the chain of lies Lelouch began going, because that’s what they are, a pair of friends who have forgotten how to feel and not tell lies to everyone they love. A pair of children too young to be fighting in wars who once kept clinging to each other but now hate (yet love) each other with equal strength. 

And if you were to ask him later, he would tell you that they were simply Suzaku and Lelouch who had both forgotten what family truly means a long, long time ago.

And that is precisely why they can't stop lying, why Suzaku can't stop lying, because no matter how many times Suzaku denies it, one truth is still there to remind him of its existence constantly. 

He and Lelouch are the same, liars and traitors to those they love. 

Murderers. 

They are...

Lost.


	5. The Fifth Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome Schneizel and Kanon. Fun. More angst.

**Ⅴ**

No, he never wanted to betray Lelouch. This was all Kanon and Schneizel’s doing. They kept ruining everything. They always ruined everything. Suzaku had wanted to solve things between him and Lelouch, he didn’t want...

This.

Suzaku had screamed for Lelouch as Guilford had taken him away, part of him wishing Lelouch would come back, or possibly that he would at least understand Suzaku meant none of this.

Suzaku had simply watched and stared blankly as Kanon’s soldiers ran to them and took Lelouch away to a car to talk with Schneizel. He had no idea what they had talked about, and he had barely registered Kanon congratulating him for getting Zero alone so that they could catch him. He had only started paying attention to Kanon’s words as he began explaining what happened, which caused Suzaku’s tears that he had refused to believe existed any longer for Lelouch and suppressed under the surface start threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes. And so now he was staring at the floor, left shocked by everything. It was nearly a miracle that the tears didn't fall from his eyes.

Most of all he was shocked that he was hurting because of the betrayal he wasn’t even responsible for. He had seen Lelouch’s face more than clearly, twisted by agony, painted over with sorrow and hurt. Suzaku had been able to read Lelouch like an open book after some time after their reunion in the Shinjuku Ghetto, and so the expression on his face told Suzaku more than Lelouch himself would ever, at least by using his words. Lelouch’s expression told him so much, but the worst thing he was able to see on his face was that Lelouch had clearly decided their friendship was through. It was through because Lelouch had come to Suzaku vulnerable, let his guards down, and yet he had been betrayed (although not by Suzaku, at least intentionally).

And, that’s why more than anything, he was scared. No, that was an understatement. He was outright  _ terrified _ because Lelouch was free again and he was, without a doubt, furious and betrayed. They had always had a powerful, genius and revengeful enemy against them, there was no doubt about that, but now they were going to face a powerful, genius and revengeful  _ Lelouch  _ who was hurt and betrayed by the last thing he had trusted, and Suzaku knew that a hurt Lelouch was always a worse thing than a heartless and emotionless Zero.

And even then Schneizel dared to talk about a sad chain of events as though he had nothing to do with it, as though Suzaku not mentioning the existence of geass was the reason for it. But no, that was never the reason. That was never why the war was going to get worse, why so many more lives were going to be at risk.

The thing was, it was Schneizel’s and only Schneizel’s fault it continued and reached its climax. He was the cause of it. Suzaku and Lelouch could have ended it together, surely, but that was impossible now.

“You don’t regret anything, now do you, sir Kururugi?”, Kanon asked Suzaku who was leaning against a wall in the Avalon. He lifted his eyes to look at the young aide.

“No. What is there to regret? I don’t care about Zero in the slightest”, he replied with a cold tone. He was angry at Kanon and Schneizel, as well as himself and Lelouch, but he kept pretending as though all of it was directed at Lelouch.

“If I’m not wrong, you and my younger brother were friends once, and quite close ones, too. Are you sure you don’t still care about him?”, Schneizel asked from behind him.

Of course he still cared about Lelouch. What kind of a question was that supposed to be? Lelouch was, despite everything, his best friend, and he had wanted to try to do everything right this time,  _ with Lelouch _ . Suzaku was bitter because that was now never going to happen, all because of Schneizel and Kanon. But, he couldn’t show it.

“No, I do not care about Zero.”

“I didn’t ask how you felt about Zero, but my little brother Lelouch.”

“I don’t care about Lelouch either. I hate him.”

No, he didn’t. He really didn’t hate him anymore. He was angry at Lelouch for killing Euphie, and he couldn’t honestly say he liked Lelouch, but he knew that deep down he still loved him. He had never ceased to love his best friend, but that was something he was going to deny until the end. The moment he realised just how much Lelouch regretted killing Euphie and that Lelouch hadn’t meant a word when he said he had geassed Suzaku to live to save his own life, that was the moment he realised he wanted to take away Lelouch’s pain and work together again, on their own side. Not on Zero’s side, not on Britannia’s side. Their own. The two of them against the war, so that they could save Nunnally and the world.

Maybe that had only been wishful thinking. Fate wouldn’t let such things happen. The two of them who could have possibly once been lovers, the two of them that had indeed once been best friends, they were not allowed to love one another, if anyone at all. They weren’t allowed to be together.

“So why do you look like a kicked puppy? Are you sure going against him doesn’t hurt you?”, Schneizel prompted, trying to get answers out of him.

“You must be imagining things. I couldn’t care less about him.”

“Sir Kururugi, you seemed devastated as Lord Guilford took him away. That doesn’t sound like you ‘couldn’t care less about him’”, Kanon reminded him.

Suzaku schooled his face into an emotionless, neutral expression before speaking again. “So what if it’s Lelouch that is Zero? Zero killed Euphie and I was her knight. Now I am the Knight of Seven. I don’t care who it is behind that damned mask, I hate them. Even if it’s Lelouch, I will still hate him. In fact, that’s all the more reason for me to despise him. He lied to me even though I trusted him.”

It took more efforts to say it out loud than he thought, but he forced himself to keep telling himself that. After all, he was all but supposed to care about someone who has killed even his own friends and family. Lelouch had killed Euphie and that was enough of a reason for Suzaku to not care about Lelouch, and if he didn’t care, it didn’t hurt.

It didn’t hurt. It didn’t. 


	6. The First Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes not lying isn't enough for a happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's implied sexual content here, but like, while everyone can probably easily find it, it's literally just a mention of the possibility for such thing. 
> 
> Also, we're finally at the end of this fic, I hope you enjoy the angst and don't wish for a happy ending for that doesn't happen in tragedies. We'll see each other again in other fics of mine.

Lelouch leaned on the metal trailing and glanced at Suzaku. His knight was standing on his right, a stern look on his face. They were (somewhat bitter) friends again and Lelouch was truly grateful for that, but even so, he couldn’t deny that he wanted more than what he could call a mere friendship. 

But despite everything he desired, he was fully aware that such a thing would require another, long conversation about feelings and boundaries and everything their not so happy past together contained, and honestly, Lelouch hated having those. No matter how much they helped and how they were friends again only because of such conversations, he didn’t want to have another one again.

Then again, he knew his time on earth was limited and he really did want to know what kissing Suzaku would feel like, how it would feel like to be able to call him his lover, what it would be like to be held in Suzaku’s arms. Of course he knew that if Suzaku didn’t want any of such things to happen, then they wouldn’t, but Lelouch could almost swear that Suzaku felt the same. There was also a chance that he wouldn’t want to be with Lelouch because of all the things in their past (like the memories and feelings surrounding Euphie’s death which hung in the air around them almost always. They hadn’t gone through that conversation yet. They probably never would), but that was fine. At the very least Lelouch wanted to tell Suzaku how he felt, Suzaku deserved to know. He couldn’t do it soon anymore so even if he was rejected, it would mean nothing in the matter of a few months.

“Suzaku, can we talk?”

“If you so wish”, his knight simply answered. Lelouch groaned silently but made his way to the table on his balcony. A maid had brought him tea and biscuits earlier, as well as a brioche. He gestured to the chair on the other side of the table, so Suzaku sat there. Of course he did. He didn’t seem to realise he could refuse to do anything if they weren't seen by anyone else. The 'Emperor and his knight' -thing was only an act. Lelouch poured a cup of tea for Suzaku and handed it to him.

“It’s Genmaicha tea. I remember you liked it when we were younger”, Lelouch explained as Suzaku arched his eyebrow at him.

“I thought it smelled familiar, and that explains it, then. Did you request to have this for me?”

“Yes, I did. I hope you still like it. It’s probably not as good as the one your family made, or the one Sayoko used to brew, but that can’t be helped”, Lelouch said, sipping his tea. Yeah, Sayoko had brewed better anything, but it didn’t matter that much. It had a great aroma and it tasted good, and that had to be good enough.

Suzaku took a sip of his tea and nodded. “You’re right, we and Sayoko make better Genmaicha, but this is good nonetheless. Now, what did you want to talk about?”

Lelouch pushed the cookies towards Suzaku, prompting him to take some, and Suzaku didn’t even hesitate. Of course he didn’t, he loved cookies. Lelouch? Not so much.

“Well, I would like to talk about us.”

Suzaku stopped eating mid-bite and dropped the cookie in his tea. Lelouch chuckled as he heard a string of not-so-well chosen curses come from Suzaku’s mouth as he tried to wipe the tea off the table and save whatever was left of his cookie. When he realised the entire cookie was in the tea, he sighed, shrugged and used his spoon to feed it to himself.

“...what do you mean?”

“I mean our relationship. I am glad we’re friends, but maybe, just maybe I would like us to be more than that”, Lelouch said.

It took Suzaku a while to answer. Lelouch watched different emotions wash over his face. Anger, hope, sorrow, betrayal, fury… Lelouch couldn’t have named all of them even if he had attempted it.

“I— Where did you get the idea I would say— that I could want— No.”

“Suzaku…”

“No, Lelouch. I do not like you. I never did feel anything that could be described as romantic towards you. I—”

Suzaku snapped his mouth shut in the middle of a sentence. He looked like he had been about to say something really bad, although Lelouch wasn’t one hundred percent sure whether ‘bad’ in this case meant something insulting or something Suzaku wanted to keep a secret, something like, well, feelings, for example.

Somehow Lelouch found it much likelier that it was the latter one.

“I never felt anything towards you, Lelouch.”

While the statement came like a slap to the face to him, Lelouch could soon hear the uncertainty in Suzaku’s wavering tone. Now, there are times when Lelouch cannot differentiate Suzaku’s lies from his truths, but that doesn’t happen too often for a reason — they are all times when Suzaku believes in his own lies as well. This one, instead…

It was a lie, and a big one at that. Lelouch can easily hear just how much Suzaku had to fight against himself to say it. It was clear that Suzaku didn’t believe a word of what he himself said, and that was precisely why Lelouch could almost immediately tell it was not the truth.

“You’re lying.”

“No, I—”

“Suzaku, if you don’t believe in your own words yourself, how can you expect me to believe them?”

Suzaku’s eyes widened as he was left staring shocked at Lelouch. Lelouch’s own face was nearly blank. The only things betraying any emotion were the way he furrowed his brows and the glint of sadness in his eyes.

“It’s fine if you don’t want anything romantic to do with me — well, it isn’t, but it would be understandable and I would respect your decision on the matter —, and I am not going  to force you into anything of the like, but I do want to hear the truth from you. We agreed to abandon all lies between the two of us and only ever tell truths, so why are you denying me this one I truly want to know.”

“...How did you realise?”

“I know when you’re lying to me at least as long as you don’t believe yourself either. It’s your tone that gives it away.”

Suzaku sighed and let his gaze fall to the table as he avoided Lelouch’s eyes.

“I… I do love you. I think I always have. I don’t think I ever stopped, not even when I hated you because that was always impossible. It’s just the fact that you killed Euphie, and the fact that I'll kill you soon that makes me not want to pursue a relationship with you." Suzaku pressed his lips in a tight line before saying anything more. "No, actually, that isn't true because I would like to be in a relationship with you _despite_ the fact that you killed Euphie, but I don’t know how I could handle losing someone I love for the second time — especially if I am in a relationship with them. I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine. It’s reasonable, and like I said, I respect your decision. I'm just glad you told me. Do tell me if you change your mind for I will always be waiting for you. And, in case I didn’t make it clear, I'm in love with you, too.”

They did, in fact, share a kiss a few nights later. It was sweet but hesitating, neither really knowing what to do. Out of the two of them only Suzaku had ever kissed another person (although Lelouch had been kissed multiple times) and he wasn’t too sure what he was supposed to do, either. Even so, both enjoyed it and decided to keep it up. 

A week after that they shared a bed, which mostly meant they were both having nightmares, and Lelouch’s bed as the emperor was too big for him alone and big enough for both of them to easily fit in — and even then it was bigger than what they needed so it worked very conveniently. If C.C. found them cuddling the next morning when she came to wake them up, she didn’t mention it. After that they always slept in the same bed because it brought them a great deal of comfort through everything. 

A month after their first kiss they shared a shower. It was after Suzaku’s supposed death on the Damocles, and they were possibly too aware they only had around two months left of whatever the thing between them was, but they were deliberately trying to avoid thinking it. They tried to forget about it but maybe even that was too much asked. Lelouch outright refuses to tell C.C. what happened in the shower every time she tries to ask, . That conversation always results in C.C. being amused and snickering, and Lelouch being embarrassed and blushing.

Two months pass by and they share their last touch on a stage for all the world to see, Suzaku having pierced Lelouch’s heart with a sword and Lelouch trying to caress Suzaku’s face for the very last time. They hadn’t lied to each other in three months, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes not lying isn't enough for a happy ending. They are both too aware that it was their own lies that were tearing them apart from the very beginning, but the past is the past for a reason — it cannot be changed through any kind of means or actions.

Yes, only after everything had already ended in their own hands Suzaku finally realised it was always the lies that brought them together, and always the lies that tore them apart.

Suzaku can’t help but wish he had never told that first lie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic and felt sad for these two because personally I had to build this from my own tears. 
> 
> We'll see again. 
> 
> (Hey btw if you've got any prompts for SuzaLulu please tell me I'm in desperate need for ideas for the two.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts on this! 
> 
> (also I broke it down to six chapters, but I've got all of them done so I'll post them frequently, like every second day or something.)
> 
> See you soon!


End file.
